Closed Door, Inc

I've had this idea floating around in my head for just under 2 years now....

Womenfolks,

Have you ever met a guy and very soon afterwards(1-2 conversations or dates) you realized that it wasn't going to go anywhere further with him and you?

And, when this happened, you didn't know HOW to break the news to him? You're in that fresh, gray area of things where not much work/time has been invested but you already know that your returns will be shorter Katt Williams' fall from celebrity.

Well, I'm here to help!!!!!

For $50, I will meet your (soon-to-be) failed beau at an establishment that serves good liqour to break the news to him over some libations. I would do this in a manner that only a man can do. I wouldn't give him all the reasons why you are no longer interested in him. I would just tell him in a direct way that would also prevent him from wanting greater detail.

See, guys like to hear finality. That sharp sting of rejection is what we should be accustomed to by now. Much like that hair that gets caught from taking the rubber off, that sharp pain helps to let us know that things don't always end smoothly. However, folks are getting more and more(in)sensitive these days and are further and fruther delaying the breaking of a man's rejection cherry. Some women can say that they have had bad experiences with breaking things off, but not ALL of them can say that such is the case. Chances are, they heard a couple horror stories in the beauty salon and just jumped on the bandwagon like they were the 1st person.

The guessing game that women(and some bitch-made men) do in the dating scene can be a hassle. In most cases they only serve to increase the tension and hammer away at the faultlines that are working to keep gender relations connected. In order to maintain, and to possibly strengthen, these connections, i am willing to provide a service where the rejection is still there but the peril of the women doing so is not as great.

What will happen is this:

You hit me up on the email or cell(premium subscribers) and tell me that you have somebody that you no longer interested in. Now, there is a limit of time/number of dates that I do not go beyond. Much like abortions, I'm not going to break the news to a guy of yours that has already been on a tropical vacation with you or helped pay for 3 separate kits of Plan B. No, that's just rude....

What the woman will then do is arrange a meeting with the guy at a bar or resturaunt(with a bar) and I will then go in her place. The target will be unsuspecting as I enter. i will appraoch and order two drinks for us to imbibe. Once brought, i will break the news to the guy and explain to him how to move on with life. This task may be harder if the guy is coming in from out of town like a place such as Rochester, MN or OK City(because you know the Thinder Players an CFB players have the area locked up). Thing with those is that you have to seel other locales for them to mine for women.

But, me and the target will talk. the initial pain will go away and by the end pf the encounter, we both will be nice and liqoured up to get on some hoes and move along with our lives.

Most importantly, he won't be thinking about you!

Summertime Chi

This should serve as a good guideline in alot of metro areas....

Questionnaire

BAKER DATING SERVICES
Initial Questionnaire

1) Are you from the Chicago area?
How long have you been living here as an adult?

2) What neighborhood(s) have you lived in?
Have you paid cash or beer can to have your snow removed?

3) Did you graduate from college?
The same one that you started your freshman year?
How many exes were members of a BGLO?

4) Are you currently employed?
Is it in the same field that your degree is in?
Have you finished paying off your student loans?
Have seriously considered stripping or gigolo services to pay them?

5) When was the last time you had a checkup from a physician?
Do you have coverage?
Can you show proof of a clean bill of health?
Are you diabetic(the sugar)?
Have you ever consulted Maury Povich to determine paternity?

6) Are you renting or owning your current place of residence?
Any roommates?
Do they get down for the cause?
Can you fold a fitted sheet?
Have you ever ironed silk boxer briefs?

7) Do you know how to cook?
Do you know the difference between a spice and an herb?
Has any family member gotten sick from or refused to eat your food?
Are you accepting being required to cook no side dishes at all?

8) Do you have a passport?
Aside from Mexico and the Caribbean, where else have you gone?
Where would you like to go?
Have you met Dexter St. Jacques?

9) What kind of music do you listen to?
Been to any concerts?
Know anybody in the band/group?
How many times have you met “Bill Bixby”?

Planking

Lots of women have done it! They just didn't know what it was called...

Just out of curiosity

When will some women realize that their knight in shining armor is going to look more like this?

I Am, I Be

I am Harold Bell, I be that dude called "Gator"!
I am Benna's son, I be getting my sense from her
I am from Chicago, I be representing 'til the world blow up
I am from Bronzeville, I be calling it "The Low End" ad infinitum
I am a Virgo, I be hella critical
I am a Mizzou graduate, I be letting kU lames know
I am a DirtBag, I be talking dirty all day
I am in between Heaven & Hell, I be on dem Shango missions
I am fluent in regular & Job Interview, I be dancing underwater and not getting wet
I am an optimist, I be trying not to get burned
I am hard to figure out, I be milking my position for all its worth

Speechless

Even if it ain't him, this is still a "Win" in my eyes!!!!

A word from the wise

Jokes

Messing around with Disney

Well, would you....

If you were working the front door at a club, and he was next in line, would you charge him THE cover amount?

No Blowjob, No Boyfriend

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I ain't never

There was a sketch on "Chappelle Show" where Dave looked at himself at 3 different ages of his life(18, 25, and 32) to show how his viewpoints and manners changed. In his usual manner, it was reflectivve, relevant, and quite hilarious!!!!

Since my birthday, I've been doing the same.

I looked back and saw how my views have evolved on such things as money(ncessary but not desired), friends(can never have enough to I'm in no rush to make more), family(them niggas is still crazy), and etc. My reflections are true to my personality in that they're precise, laid back with a tinge of optimism and sometimes quite comical. I can be serious, but I don't tae myself too seriously. Ya dig?

Now, when I was younger, these inner conversations would have been public discourse amongst me and my guys. My circle of friends are equally comical and insightful. However, as the conversations went further on, the more ridiculous things got when it came to situational decisions put forth to the group. These hypothetical predicaments were feeble attempts to apply whatever newly accepted life outlook one of us had come to accept and believe in. With a group of 18-25 year olds, there was nothing sacred or out of bounds when it came to formulating a situation to see how your friends would decide and react.

With all that being said:
I know me and my friends were not the only guys to ask our friends if they would have sex with an amputee...




If I were to do something like that, it would be just for the stories to tell folks at the bar or at my Saturday softball games. Another notch on my belt. I remember an old Damon Wayans joke where he was talking about if his wife had lost both her legs, how they would be having sex from then on. Yeah, I'd be thinking of things like that to do.

And just to be mean, I'd ask her for a handjob....

Something, something just ain't right

Devil in a blue dress isn't just a novel by Walter Mosely!

I'm shaking my damn head about this Ines Sainz controversy that's been in the news all week. I believe that both sides share the guilt. Rex Ryan was doing his own version of that new Corona commercial while the locker room was hooting and hollering whenever Sainz walked in the room. I'm not suprised by the behavior after watching them on this past season of "Hard Knocks". In my opinion, this year's NY Jets are pretty much the NFL Version of Alpha Epsilon Omega.




And given the recent news about Matt Forte, I'm led to wonder if this "interview" was finished elsewhere. Things like that happen when you have a smart woman hanging around men that are thinking with their other heads...

Being a smart-ass

The following are my proposed ideas for my next t-shirt purchase